Dynasty Warriors: LEGO
by Terror of Zanarkand
Summary: Excerpt from the Battle of Xia Pi. Possibly the most realistic story ever. Oneshot


I needed to get this out of my head. Inspired by Star Wars Lego. It's... odd.

**Dynasty Warriors: LEGO**

Lu Bu lifted his halberd overhead and sent it spinning, his yellow hand pincers rotating in their sockets. The weapon came crashing down on a Wei soldier, sending the unfortunate figure's head spinning around 360 degrees. Before it came to a halt, Bu brought his halberd about again to send the head flying clear of its neck stalk. The soldier's expression was one of outrage before it disappeared into the writhing sea of plastic warriors.

The walls of Xia Pi had been breached. That Cao Cao and his cunning strategist Xun Yu had dammed the river, sending torrents of melted blue plastic flooding into the city. Lu Bu had watched as some of his closet friends and allies were swept away, dashed to pieces against the grey bricks of the keep's walls. It made him angry.

Then Hou Cheng, Wei Xu and Song Xian had decided to defect. Lu Bu had imposed some regulation or other against drinking, and with Xia Pi flooded and surrounded by Cao Cao and Liu Bei's forces, there was nothing the three wanted more than get hammered. Nevermind that they were toys.

Yes, the walls were breached and Lu Bu's men were fighting a losing battle as more enemy soldiers poured into the city. Plastic clattered against plastic, limbs fell to the watery ground and fierce expressions were pulled.

A group of blue Wei soldiers closed in on Lu Bu. The black line of his mouth twisted into a snarl as he looked around at their menacing yellow faces; the fools had him surrounded. No matter. He balanced on one leg, turned about in a circle and whipped his halberd across.

They looked unanimously shocked as their torsos came away from their legs, leaving the two connecting stumps exposed. Lu Bu planted the butt of his halberd on the ground, were it was partially submerged by wet blue plastic. He was Lu Bu! No-one could defeat him! He stole a quick glance up at the sky. Except maybe the creators.

The warlord cast about for someone interesting to dismember, like Guan Yu or Xiahou Dun. He looked over his shoulder at the hundred or so heads floating in the 'water' behind him, their eyes black Xs. They had all belonged to peons and generic officers. Lu Bu needed stronger foes.

A swift goosestep-style walk carried him deeper into the battle, and it wasn't long before he caught sight of a familiar face. Hou Cheng himself!

Lu Bu's painted unibrow flared as he charged towards the treacherous officer. Heads turned on their stalks to see the enraged warlord approaching, and their owners hurriedly got clear. Bu's arms and legs pumped furiously.

A squad of green Shu crossbowmen knelt and fired upon him, but their plastic quarrels clacked harmlessly against Lu Bu's torso, painted with a likeness of golden armour. The archers scattered, one dropping his crossbow, picking it up and then dropping it again.

Hou Cheng looked about to either side, wondering what all the panic was about. An exclamation mark appeared over his head and he turned around quickly. His mouth opened in a silent scream.

Hou Cheng's flying head bounced off the back of Zhang Fei. The Shu officer turned and looked down at the head of his drinking buddy from last night. Its eyes were Xs, and a drawing of a pink tongue lolled from its mouth. Fei's eyes widened, and he tapped each of his brothers on the shoulder with a yellow claw. Guan Yu and Liu Bei turned around with annoyance on their faces, then saw the head.

All three turned to Lu Bu, who was using his halberd to play golf with other severed heads. Guan Yu's uniquely red face became redder, while Zhang Fei glowered and Liu Bei hid his face.

Lu Bu suddenly saw the three brothers and glared at them, a cocky smile appearing on his face. The long cloth anntenea on top of his head snaked about as he lifted one claw, motioning for the brothers of Shu to approach. He would kill them all, then kill Cao Cao, then that dog Yuan Shu.

Blue Dragon and Zhang Fei's snake spear rattled against Lu Bu's mighty halberd in blurs of whirling plastic. Liu Bei looked on from the sideline, waving his sword about eagerly. He picked up a disconnected arm and hurled it at Bu, hitting him in the face. A severed head followed, then a pair of hands, and finally a pair of legs, which bounced off Zhang Fei's back. The bulky warrior turned around to investigate, and his own head fell clear as Lu Bu's halberd scythed in.

Liu Bei clutched his face in horror as his brother's head rolled towards him, stopping at his feet to stare up accusingly with X eyes.

Lu Bu's shoulders shook with soundless laughter, his painted mouth wavering in amusement. Now only hindered by one opponent, he swiftly cut Guan Yu's arms off, watching with satisfaction as they fell to the still-rising water level. His bearded head soon followed.

Liu Bei looked up with fear in his eyes, scuttling backwards as Lu Bu advanced. He pelted Zhang Fei's head at Bu, which crashed into his face. A small, throbbing x appeared on the warlord's forehead, and annoyance flashed across his face. He continued to advance, beating his halberd against the palm of his claw. Liu Bei threw down his sword and cowered.

Suddenly something plummeted from the sky. A huge glob of clear, sticky slime landed on Lu Bu, pinning him to the ground. The warrior thrashed about in the strange substance but could not free himself. It was so strong, and he couldn't maneuver his halberd to get loose. He was stuck.

Then the shadow fell over him. He tilted his head back to see a gigantic hand reaching down towards him, ready to squash him flat no doubt. Lu Bu struggled harder; the creators had come!

Chubby fingers wrapped around Lu Bu and he was lifted from the ground. The hand clutched him tightly, and soon he could see Xia Pi from above. His head pivoted as a greater shadow fell over him, and his eyes bulged as he saw the chubby face of a colossal three year old getting closer and closer. His arms flailed as he drew neared to the child's opening maw, but there was to be no escape. He could feel the awful breath, and knew that the legend of Lu Bu would end here.

The mouth closed behind him.

Watching from below, Liu Bei had a plastic heart attack.

THE END


End file.
